Sunday, May 16, 2010

Fighter

Present day

All her life, Joanna has been called many names, short stuff, small, tiny, little one, shorty and even midget. People always made fun of her, didn’t let her do things because she was small and even ridiculed her when she needed help getting something she couldn’t get herself, being vertically challenged. Oh and if you couldn’t already tell, she never had many friends. Eventually she built an invisible wall around her heart. She always wore the brightest smile and laughed it off when people stared at her or pointed out the fact that she was short. She never let it get to her. Or so it would have seemed.


Cheerleading tryouts, the board said. “Hmm, maybe I should try out. No harm trying right? And besides, it’s considered an ECA so it might help me get a scholarship for university.” Joanna thought. So off she went for the tryouts and saw a fellow classmate.


“Hi Michelle, here for the tryouts?”


“No. I’m holding the tryouts. I’m captain of the squad.” Michelle snidely replied.


As Joanna waits for her turn, she gets her mp3 out and resolves to the fact that music calms her down. As she hears her name being called, she takes a deep breath and walks forward.


“I’m sorry. You can’t try out. You’re too short. Michelle says without even looking up.


“Excuse me. I’m too… short?”


“Yes. You’re too short. NEXT”


“Hey. Hold on a second. Don’t you think I deserve a valid reason?”


“The valid reason is you’re – too – SHORT. Now, can you get out of here so I can continue my auditions?”


Joanna walked away, barely making it to the bus stop before breaking down. The sentence playing over and over again in her head, she doesn’t notice her best friend standing next to her till she tapped her on the shoulder. Joanna quickly wipes away the tears and any evidence of her breakdown. Sheril doesn’t say anything, just puts her arm around her. After a minute of comforting silence, Joanna tells her what happened. “People, who needs them, really?” Sheril says and Joanna just nods and half smiles but inside it was killing her. She’s been told that before, maybe a million times. Why was it different this time? Deep down she knew why, but she would not and could not admit it.


The following week had been one of the worst weeks she’s had. When she was home, the snide comments became somewhat more hurtful, that it got her in tears most of the time.


School was not any easier either. There were all these questions in her head that were slowly breaking her.


Do they think the same? That I’m too short to do anything?


Whenever she heard a height joke, she would hold back tears. No doubt she was in a very frangible state. She barely ate, hardly talked to anyone became very shy and just kept to herself. Sheril noticed her capricious behavior and put two and two together that Joanna was still upset by what Michelle said and did. In order to cheer Joanna up, Sheril convinced Joanna to try out for the English Literary & Debating Society. She didn’t want to, but something her grandfather said to her once, came to her mind.


"When life gets you down, stand back up and prove to it that you’re indestructible love."


And that’s all it took to boost her confidence because to her, he was the one person who believed in her, even when nobody else did. So when she went for the audition she took a deep breath and went on stage and did her best. As she waited for the results to be announced, she spotted Sheril and went to stand with her.


"I think my cuteness might have interfered with my message." She half joked.


Sheril laughed.


“Any minute now” she stated off-handedly.


And as they called out her name and she walked up the stage her heart was beating out of her chest. She was literally shaking with anxiety.


“Congratulations Joanna, you got the part!”


When she got home, she told her parents and her siblings the news.


"You got in? But, you’re so small."


"They picked you?"


She felt the tears forming, but she held on to that sentence. That one sentence had got her through so many things. So she kept her chin up, looked each one of them in the eye and said, "oh ye of little faith" then plugged in her earphones and walked up the stairs to her room.


6 months later

After Joanna’s first play; she looked at the tombstone and said:


"I’m indestructible grandpa."


She can’t hold it on anymore. She wishes he was there to see her. To tell her he’s proud of her. She feels a tap on her shoulder. She turns around and looks up into a pair of piercing blue eyes.


"I'm sure he's very proud of you."


She’s momentarily paralyzed, and stares at the blue eyes.


"I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t have just come here like that and tell you something like that in a place like this. You’re freaked out huh? I’m sorry!"


He started to walk away, but then he turned back.


"You want to know something? I think you’re beautifully petite. Your eyes are hauntingly beautiful and I want to know everything about you and more."


She extended her hand out, and he pulled her up to her full 4 feet height.


"Hi, I'm Joanna."

2 years later


They were going steady now. She was really happy. Sheril loved Kevin, almost as much as she did. That's all she needed. That, and the knowledge that she had proven all of them wrong.

"Yea, she looks like a child. Who’d want to date her?"

"She has a boyfriend? Oh wow, he must be imaginary. I mean come on, who’d date her!"

"He’s only dating her out of pity."

"What Up! Definitely not her!"

But that’s not the reason she’s happy. She’s happy because he makes her feel like she’s perfect when she knows she’s not. He looks her in the eye and calls her beautiful when everybody can’t stand to look at her for more than a minute and calls her midget.

"I know she’s short. But she’s MY shorty and she’s going to be MY Shorty till forever."

"..well, mine and The JingBang's anyway."


"I don't discriminate" - N.M, the first minutes of 2010

Thursday, May 13, 2010

maybe, you could have been the one to save me



But I never told you
What I should have said

No, I never told you

I just held it in

And now,
I miss everything about you

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

we shall meet on that beautiful shore




God saw you getting tired,
and a cure was not to be,
so he put his arms around you,
and whispered, “come to me”

With tearful eyes, we watched you go
and saw you fade away
and although we love you dearly
we could not make you stay

A golden heart stopped beating
hard working hands at rest
God broke our hearts to prove to us
he only takes the best

andai kau tahu

Dear You,



someday, when you open your heart and let someone in,
that someone is gonna be the luckiest person in the world.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

sunshine roses

I got ice in my veins, blood in my eyes
Hate in my heart, love in my mind
I seen nights full of pain, days of the same
You keep the sunshine, save me the rain
I search but never find, hurt but never cry
I work and forever try, but I’m cursed, so never mind
And it’s worse, but better times seem further and beyond
The top gets higher the more that I climb
The spot gets smaller, and I get bigger

"OH!"

It was not an ordinary day. I was sure of that.

Firstly, the day started off with me going to Tengku’s house and for the first time ever, not being able to wake Tengku up. Usually, all it takes is for me to give her “5 more minutes” about 3 times. This time, it took me an hour.

Things were even more unusual in Mid Valley, specifically the arcade, where Fie with his fever and heavily medicated state, beat Tengku and I at Daytona and ParaPara

As we could not watch Iron Man II, due to Tengku getting up late, we watched Date Night instead.

“I’m going to go home now, and stare at my vagina with a hand mirror” (Tina Fey)

That one line in itself received my highest approbation as it proves the Malaysian Censorship Board has finally, finally loosening up. I pondered if all the sex scandals by our politicians have finally led them into giving in and saying “Ah, What The Hell!”

With all of this unusualness it would seem to justify that by the time we got to Paddington’s, it would all become normal again. Or so I hoped. But boy was I wrong.

After devouring a Pot Of Gold, Tengku goes on to rant about how she is hungry again and wants to eat Teppanyaki. A whole mini-debacle between her and Fie then ensue whilst I slowly space out.

I took the opportunity to admire the scenic view outside Paddingtons (read – the walkway and also the entrance of the Chicken Rice Shop right across) and also to people watch.

It was then I noticed the most unusual thing of all :
People were disappearing as I watched them passed by.

Now you may think that this is a general occurrence however normally when people walk pass one gate, they are supposed to appear on the other side. This however, never happened. I was firstly mildly delighted. A model that I hated upon sight walked past and disappeared into thin air. I was silently celebrating as the smile on my face said. Was it possible that I managed to finally make people disappear with my mind? I then realized that is was totally rapacious of me to hope for such things, and sobered up slightly only to have it happen again. I continued observing this queer phenomenon in confusion.

I was just about to point out this queer moment to Tengku, but she had progressed from merely ranting about Teppanyaki to talking about the injustice the restaurant caused to Fie’s vegetable intake. I sighed – my bestest friend is really loud. Not to mention she never knows how to shut up. This is also one of the reasons to why I am a word receptacle, which is the latest word I have learned off Urban Dictionary which (as defined) means to be on the receiving end of a conversation. It is also pretty much what the rest of the CWI competitors will be when it comes to my entry – mere word receptacles.

So, all by myself (and in silence, contrary to aforementioned bestest friend), I pondered about the many possibilities to how these people could actually be disappearing:


Maybe it was like Platform 9 and ¾ in Harry Potter?


No, I’m delusional.



I can FINALLY make people I don’t like dead with my mind. Ha, ha ha.


I scratched the final one out as the hot white guy walked passed and disappeared as well. If anything were to ring true, it was that he was just about as yummy as the Pot of Gold we just had and I definitely did NOT want him anywhere out of my line of vision.

Then suddenly it dawned on me:


Was it a realm for hot people?


I questioned this possibility.


But wait, what was that 80 year old doing there?


It wasn’t till that exact moment that I noticed the people on both sides of the walkway were similar, nay – identical. They were practically the same people.

Then I realized – they WERE the same people.


I was actually looking at a mirror that lined the walls of Paddington’s House of Pancakes.





My resounding “OHHH!” of realization actually shocked Tengku so badly she was silent for 5 seconds, but sent Fie into a fit of laughter as he thought it was (and I quote) ‘cute’. I then explained how my detailed observation and severe pondering had finally led to the conclusion of the mirror, with a tinge of pride in my voice.

Expecting Tengku and Fie to praise me for noticing this before they did, I received none. Instead, Tengku proceeded to point out how if I had inched myself forward slightly, I would notice our table (and in the process, us) being reflected back to us in the corner of said mirror I had been so fascinated at just five minutes ago.


After a good hearty laugh, the subject was then tucked away for future ridicule, but I sported a grin on my face for having been able to indulge in my very own guilty pleasure – stupidity :)




“People call it stupidity; I call it being true to yourself.”




862 words.

Friday, April 30, 2010

Thursday, April 29, 2010


"Because we could all use a little help sometimes, ya know? That feeling that everything is going to be okay, and that there is going to be someone there to help make sure of that."


32. i miss what we could have been.

obvious

We started as friends
But something happened inside me
Now I'm reading into everything
But there's no sign you hear the lightning, baby


Monday, April 26, 2010

livin' the dream

Funny how things change
yet they always stay the same
and the simple things in life
just get tossed into the flames
and I've been down that road before
where you just gotta roll the bones
I don't have much money in my pocket
but I didn't leave none at home

Here I go again on my own
Goin' down the only road I've ever known
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
And I'll keep livin' the life
Living the dream on my own.

A million roads to go and
A million roads behind me
I've heard so many stories told
But the good ones never find me
I ain't got no crystal ball
that's showing me the way
I don't know which way I'm going
But I'll get there someday singing

Here I go again on my own
Goin' down the only road I've ever known
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
And I'll keep livin' the life
Living the dream on my own.

And after all I've been through
There is nothing left to prove
I'm starting to believe
we could all live the dream
One day at a time
Yes I'm starting to believe
we could all live the dream

Here I go again on my own
Goin' down the only road I've ever known
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
and I've made up my mind
I ain't wasting no more time

Here I go again on my own
Goin' down the only road I've ever known
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
And and I've made up my mind
I ain't wasting no more time

Here I go again on my own
Goin' down the only road I've ever known
Here I go again on my own
Goin' down the only road I've ever known
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
And I'll keep livin' the life
Living the dream on my own.

Friday, April 23, 2010

moon so bright,


"our story has three parts: a beginning, a middle and an end.
& although this is the way all stories unfold; i still cant believe ours didnt go on forever.."

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

rarw :)



good time, good times XD

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

one day,

had to re-vamp the blog to change my header -.-


but yea :)
alright, so i finally watched Dear John with the bestest friend. movie was awesomely depressing. like seriously. i wanted to CRY. like how i cried like a baby for the book. its so freaking sweet!! god!

and if ya'll hasnt heard,

Joanna Nithiya is a jiwang, was always a jiwang and will always be a jiwang (i know someone who would be really really happy with this statement) :P

mushhhy <3

when the world caves in

Joanna Nithiya is OKAY! :)




31. all of a sudden i miss you.

in my head.

RANT!

one,

makes me feel like I'm an incompetent, doesn't know anything, all she does is sit in front of the computer, never does anything in the house person.
"that's all you ever do. sit in front of the computer"

the other,

makes me feel like a complete failure, a screw up, an ass, a dumb midget who doesn't know shit and i would want to be related to her but unfortunately i am.
"i dunno why they let you do it. you'll definitely screw it up. like everything else"

and, the one who means the most to me,

finds ways to show me she thinks i am stupid, embarrassed to even be associated with me, never fails to remind me of the stupid person i am. and shows clear favoritism.
"I'm embarrassed to even say you are my daughter." (her words, not mine)


and people wonder why i have such low self esteem, really..

i was never given the chance to do anything i wanted.
driving.
dancing.
singing.
performing.
hanging with them.

somewhere along, i learned to shut it out. doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.


its not supposed to get to me but it does.




*breaths* that felt better.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

she's nothing,

i want to blog but have nothing to blog about. i will be back.