but not goodbye

last sunday, something father simon said that keeps ringing in my ear,


"where do i stand in my journey of faith"


i have always been a good catholic girl that my parents raised me to be. the "go to church every sunday. never miss sunday school" type. but during confirmation camp night, something hit me.

"why do you go to church? do you go to church because you believe in God and know you need him or just because that's how you've been brought up, to go to church every sunday and that God is magnificent?"

and ever since then, i have never stopped questioning my faith.

*its all in my head. its all in my head*

I dont

bawled my freaking eyes out.




i feel we're slipping away.

in my world

You know I always stay up without sleeping
And think to myself
"Where do I belong forever
In whose arms, the time and place?"

never knew what i was missing

updaaaaaates! :D

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the best weekend so far was spent with the parents - daddy (adderlymrcookiemonster), mummy(The Bestest friend Tengku) and the sister(NAD si penguin!) - from watching despicable me again and spending the whole day as a "family", to dinner with rosal(the godfather) and adi(abadabdoooo) and fiqi and then jingbanging with rish :)

-----------------------------------------------------------

dear you,

no more getting my hopes up.


love, me.

reasons for that special someone.

* Good morning text messages
* Late night phone calls.
* Falling asleep on the phone.
* “Babe, guess what?”. “What?”. “I love you”.
* I miss you/I love you random phone calls.
* Being grabbed by the waist.
* Kisses, especially on the forehead.
* 127817392 photos together.
* You guys fight, you walk away .. he comes back for you.
* He’s always there for you, through thick & thin.
* When you watch romantic movies or see couples you don't feel half as bad.
* Because everyone deserves to feel like they mean something to someone.

and not forgetting,

CUDDLES! :)

larger than life.

its cold.

you know your messed up when you cry over episodes of greys anatomy. yes not one, but 3.

you know your messed up when you cry over songs.

you really know your messed up when you laugh so hard and then out of no where start crying and then go back to laughing.


this emptiness is killing me.


i'm going to say its the exam stress but i really dont know.

i'm fine, really. its just kinda freaky.

guilty as charged

yesyes, i have not updated for yonks now :P will update soon! i'm still alive :)

19th

8th June 2010









happy birthday me ;)

I'd play a song that will never ever end

the grandfather - it feels weird. not being able to call you and just ask you how you are, or what your doing or even just to say hi. my only regret is not being able to say goodbye, to tell you i love you to tell you that you mean the world to me. I'm sorry i didn't spend enough time with you and that's breaking my heart.

If I could get another chance
Another walk, another dance with him
I’d play a song that would never, ever end
How I’d love, love, love to dance with my grandfather again

If I could steal one final glance
One final step, one final dance with him
I’d play a song that would never, ever end
‘Cause I’d love, love, love to dance with my grandfather again

♥

the father - for all those times you drove me around, cooked for me, scolded me, praised me, took care of me but most importantly, put up with me, thank you. i can never thank you enough.

"You know how much I love you, Daddy"

♥

the godfather - you took care of me since i was young, treating me like your own daughter. even now, when you have your own. making me see things in perspective. teaching me right from wrong. showing me that life is not all about partying, drugs, sex and all that. for showing me that i can overcome anything when you overcame cancer 6 years ago.

If you wanted the sky, I would write across the sky in letters
That would soar a thousand feet high
To sir, with love

If you wanted the moon I would try to make a start
But I would rather you let me give my heart
To sir, with love

If you wanted the world, I'd surround it with a wall, I'd scrawl
These words with letters ten feet tall
To sir, with love

♥

Happy Fathers Day :)

this one's for you

i'm the girl who,

is emo most times.

is sometimes boring

is shy

always, and i do mean always, looks like a mess

most people don't always get along with

finds it hard to accept compliments because she's insecure.

has insecurity issues about almost everything but is working on that

has loads of maybe's, if's, should have's, could have's, what if's

has a tendency of over thinking things.

regrets things every second of the day


but i'm me :)


birthday post next! :D

gave it all away.

go away :(

Just So You Know

someday, i will have a house next to the beach. i promise.


random jo fact:
she loves the beach. as much as she loves one tree hill. and that's a LOT!
its something about the immensity of it that scares her yet captivates her.
its something about the sounds of the waves crashing that tells her everything's gonna be okay.
its something about laying on the sand that makes the outside world disappear.

alright, this talking in 3rd person's point of view is weird so i am going to stop lol.


malacca, was awesome. stakeout van and all ;)


another pointless post.



34. you made it clear to me, you wasn't down for me.

you were serenity.

malacca tomorrow :D ;)



she doesn't know what to feel anymore.

she's losing hope.

maafkan aku

onetreehill :)

i <3 one tree hill simply because

i love the feeling i get when i watch it. it shuts the world out.

it makes me feel like a less boring person, a girl with no fear.

it shuts the world out. it distracts me from me.

also knowing that no one can take it away

and maybe, just maybe, it makes her feel like she belongs.

maybe, just maybe, it makes her feel somewhat happy.


there is no point to this post, so i'mma go now :)



maybe she's so scared because every time she was happy, that happiness got taken away.

and this time, she means it

I've made up my mind that I'm gonna let you in
And I'm not afraid but I have to say
This is gonna hurt if it ever ends
But somehow you out shattered my defence
This is gonna hurt if it ever starts
So promise you'll be careful with my heart



33. you had me at i really really like you. you broke me at bad timing 

Fighter

Present day

All her life, Joanna has been called many names, short stuff, small, tiny, little one, shorty and even midget. People always made fun of her, didn’t let her do things because she was small and even ridiculed her when she needed help getting something she couldn’t get herself, being vertically challenged. Oh and if you couldn’t already tell, she never had many friends. Eventually she built an invisible wall around her heart. She always wore the brightest smile and laughed it off when people stared at her or pointed out the fact that she was short. She never let it get to her. Or so it would have seemed.

Cheerleading tryouts, the board said. “Hmm, maybe I should try out. No harm trying right? And besides, it’s considered an ECA so it might help me get a scholarship for university.” Joanna thought. So off she went for the tryouts and saw a fellow classmate.

“Hi Michelle, here for the tryouts?”

“No. I’m holding the tryouts. I’m captain of the squad.” Michelle snidely replied.

As Joanna waits for her turn, she gets her mp3 out and resolves to the fact that music calms her down. As she hears her name being called, she takes a deep breath and walks forward.

“I’m sorry. You can’t try out. You’re too short. Michelle says without even looking up.

“Excuse me. I’m too… short?”

“Yes. You’re too short. NEXT”

“Hey. Hold on a second. Don’t you think I deserve a valid reason?”

“The valid reason is you’re – too – SHORT. Now, can you get out of here so I can continue my auditions?”

Joanna walked away, barely making it to the bus stop before breaking down. The sentence playing over and over again in her head, she doesn’t notice her best friend standing next to her till she tapped her on the shoulder. Joanna quickly wipes away the tears and any evidence of her breakdown. Sheril doesn’t say anything, just puts her arm around her. After a minute of comforting silence, Joanna tells her what happened. “People, who needs them, really?” Sheril says and Joanna just nods and half smiles but inside it was killing her. She’s been told that before, maybe a million times. Why was it different this time? Deep down she knew why, but she would not and could not admit it.

The following week had been one of the worst weeks she’s had. When she was home, the snide comments became somewhat more hurtful, that it got her in tears most of the time.

School was not any easier either. There were all these questions in her head that were slowly breaking her.

Do they think the same? That I’m too short to do anything?

Whenever she heard a height joke, she would hold back tears. No doubt she was in a very frangible state. She barely ate, hardly talked to anyone became very shy and just kept to herself. Sheril noticed her capricious behavior and put two and two together that Joanna was still upset by what Michelle said and did. In order to cheer Joanna up, Sheril convinced Joanna to try out for the English Literary & Debating Society. She didn’t want to, but something her grandfather said to her once, came to her mind.

"When life gets you down, stand back up and prove to it that you’re indestructible love."

And that’s all it took to boost her confidence because to her, he was the one person who believed in her, even when nobody else did. So when she went for the audition she took a deep breath and went on stage and did her best. As she waited for the results to be announced, she spotted Sheril and went to stand with her.

"I think my cuteness might have interfered with my message." She half joked.

Sheril laughed.

“Any minute now” she stated off-handedly.

And as they called out her name and she walked up the stage her heart was beating out of her chest. She was literally shaking with anxiety.

“Congratulations Joanna, you got the part!”

When she got home, she told her parents and her siblings the news.

"You got in? But, you’re so small."

"They picked you?"

She felt the tears forming, but she held on to that sentence. That one sentence had got her through so many things. So she kept her chin up, looked each one of them in the eye and said, "oh ye of little faith" then plugged in her earphones and walked up the stairs to her room.

6 months later

After Joanna’s first play; she looked at the tombstone and said:

"I’m indestructible grandpa."

She can’t hold it on anymore. She wishes he was there to see her. To tell her he’s proud of her. She feels a tap on her shoulder. She turns around and looks up into a pair of piercing blue eyes.

"I'm sure he's very proud of you."

She’s momentarily paralyzed, and stares at the blue eyes.

"I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t have just come here like that and tell you something like that in a place like this. You’re freaked out huh? I’m sorry!"

He started to walk away, but then he turned back.

"You want to know something? I think you’re beautifully petite. Your eyes are hauntingly beautiful and I want to know everything about you and more."

She extended her hand out, and he pulled her up to her full 4 feet height.

"Hi, I'm Joanna."

2 years later

They were going steady now. She was really happy. Sheril loved Kevin, almost as much as she did. That's all she needed. That, and the knowledge that she had proven all of them wrong.

"Yea, she looks like a child. Who’d want to date her?"

"She has a boyfriend? Oh wow, he must be imaginary. I mean come on, who’d date her!"

"He’s only dating her out of pity."

"What Up! Definitely not her!"

But that’s not the reason she’s happy. She’s happy because he makes her feel like she’s perfect when she knows she’s not. He looks her in the eye and calls her beautiful when everybody can’t stand to look at her for more than a minute and calls her midget.

"I know she’s short. But she’s MY shorty and she’s going to be MY Shorty till forever."

"..well, mine and The JingBang's anyway."

"I don't discriminate" - N.M, the first minutes of 2010